A hundred different lives

The following post is more of a word vomit than anything else... though I did make a promise to myself to be more transparent and open on this blog. So here goes nothing :)

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I feel like I've lived a hundred different lives in the last two months. Some are only slightly removed from the other, while others are in different cities - time-zones, even. Each life comes with its own unknowns, joys, expectations and countless other emotions that seem to mess with my head no matter where I am in that life.

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This is what JOB SEARCHING is like, for me. 

Each job I apply for, I envision myself in that role, in that town, with those colleagues you read about online; what goals I can accomplish in that position, what house or car I can buy with that salary, how much more I could do because of this or that. I also envision all the office drama, the commute time, the stress and long work hours that usually comes with managerial work. Those moments help me decide if I really want the job or not. 

Imagining what life might be like if I had **insert job here** can be exciting, but its also so exhausting... And unrealistic! No one knows what a job role will really be like until they are in it. I'm so guilty of putting emotional and mental energy into "living" through the interview, offer, contract sign, and first few months of a potential job. Yet I'm only sitting at my computer filling out application after application.

I think its fairly normal to do this, but it definitely doesn't help. Lately, I've tried to imagine myself in a certain field, doing a short variety of jobs and roles in a certain city. It helps to narrow down the potential options, which can be good and bad. For example, while in the middle of this black and white mindset, I had the opportunity to interview for a job that was totally left-field. Not in the same city, not in the same field, not anything I was currently pursuing, but something I was still qualified for. 

So imagine my brain trying to scramble for a new mindset after all its hard work narrowing down my future life 20 years from now. NOPE. Despite this, the really really good thing that happens, thanks to these moments, is the clarity it provides in the midst of chaos. While my brain is trying to comprehend pursuing different job fields in different locations while trying to finish a degree in another field, its a reminder that nothing is permanent. 

And, even better, I can do all the things I want to do. I can pursue yoga teaching, and economic development work in my community, and writing, and painting, and all the things. Because it is my life and its up to me to truly live it.