Quarter of a century

Today is my 25th birthday - a quarter of a century!

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My short time on earth has already been filled with adventure and love as well as pain and sadness. I used to struggle greatly with fear, though I can now say that is no longer the case.

I've told myself in the past to be strong and courageous. It's tattooed on my foot so whenever I look down - in fear, shame, shyness - I am reminded to hold my chin up. 

I spent the last seven years telling myself to be strong and courageous, and I've been just that. I've taken chances, make huge decisions, suffered consequences and enjoyed rewards. I didn't know before how strong I was. But now I do.

I don't need to remind myself to be strong and courageous anymore. I've proven that to myself.

But I've realized some other things about myself. This year, I need to remind myself to be present. To be humble. To be sustaining and sustained. I know how to be strong in a narrow sense - the hard, definitive sense of the word. There is usually a bit of anger and coldness used to make those tough moves throughout life. So my goal, this year, is to work on the softer, more fluid sense of the word. The one who sustains. Not meek, not arrogant, but humble. The one who is here in the moment and fully understanding the gravity and grace and beauty of each passing second of this life. 

I want to touch on something I posted on Instagram yesterday - the definition of what a woman is to man. "Ezer kenegdo" are the words used to describe what women were created to be, which, as it turns out, also describes God as a warrior and sustainer for Israel. And, as I later found out, "military strategist." We, as women, were created to be warriors! Furthermore, we were the very last creation on this earth - the CRESCENDO of God's creation. 

I cannot tell you how inspiring and mind blowing that is for me. And this realization comes at a time when I need it most. My husband, as strong and faithful as he is, cannot do life on his own. He NEEDS me. I am his support, his preservation, his confirmation, his encourager, his strength, his heart. I know how to be strong and fierce, but now I need to learn how to be a sustainer.

So, in my 25th year, may I live in a way that is both pleasing and steadfast - another year of mindfulness towards a life well lived.